Friday, 3 September 2010

Dismay at Trumpton fire station closure

The axe finally fell on Trumpton's fire station on Tuesday, as local councillors voted by 34 to 22 to endorse a major restructuring plan for the county's public services.

Speaking afterwards, Trumpton's chief fire officer, Captain Flack said that 'losing the station's full time fire engine and its crew would adversely affect the level of cover provided'.
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'It's all very well for the Mayor to say that the town would still be served by the Chigley engine' he said, 'and that in an emergency a message could always be sent to Mr Dagenham and a request made to use his helicopter', however recent turn outs, such as recovering the paint pot which had halted the town hall clock, the repair of Mr Windy Miller's sails, and the construction of the much loved fireman's float at the annual Camberwick Green gay pride event have demonstrated that 'this service means much more to the community than simply extinguishing fires'.
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He added that 'the contrast between getting rid of firefighters and pumping public money into a refurbishment of the Mayor's official residence in Clarendon Square will not be lost on the good people of Leamington and Trumpton'.

However others have been less restrained.

Fireman Barney McGrew, the driver of the Trumpton engine for more than 30 years said that 'industrial action could not be ruled out, and that a meeting of shop stewards is scheduled for later this week'.

Speaking outside the 'Kebab and Plasterer' pub shortly after closing time, a clearly well refreshed and  emotional Mr McGrew asserted that 'the Trumpton Fire Brigade's ethos had always been one of public service', but he said 'there's a limit to how much bullying they will tolerate, and that the Mayor, who had clearly been itching for a scrap with Trumpton's firefighters for a very long time, had overstepped the mark'.
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In a surprise development, yesterday's traditional five o'clock band concert in Jephson Gardens was disrupted after firemen substituted the advertised programme of 'Flack's legends of easy listening', for a series of revolutionary anthems such as The Internationale, Soy Cuba, the Gimn Sovyetskoyo Soyuza and to the surprise of many visitors, a 12 minute thrash metal interpretation of La Marseillaise.

One passer-by, Mr Jonathan Bell of Bell's Farm near Camberwick Green said that 'whilst it was an outrage that the fire service had been overrun by pinkoes, lefties and trades unionists', he was glad the community could now see 'these feckless and bloated public servants for what they really are'.

In a public meeting later that evening, Lord Belborough assured the concerned residents of Chigley that 'this restructuring was not an ideologically driven attempt to roll back the frontiers of the state, but rather a necessary and wholly commendable attempt to tackle Trumptonshire's mountain of public debt'.
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In a pre planned tactic, Firemen Pugh and Pugh mounted the biscuit factory roof, and in what was a clearly intimidatory gesture, raised the gloved fists of the Black Panther movement towards his Lordship's ancestral home and mouthed the lyrics to the popular Prodigy song ' I'm a fire starter ... a twisted fire starter !'
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The Lady Mayor, present at the meeting, said that she had fully expected the Firemen to react in this way, 'given their addiction to the propaganda of disbelief, doubt, dirt, promiscuity, infidelity and drinking'.

Mrs Edwina Reardon, 84, one of a coach party who regularly travel to Jephson gardens from Ashby-de-la-Zouch, described it as 'teatime brutality for tots', and the 'most despicable spectacle she had witnessed since a doodlebug had destroyed her husband Alf's allotment in 1943'.

A spokesman from Winkstead Hall later dismissed as pure coincidence the fact that Lord Belborough's valet, Mr Brackett, had been spotted in Camberwick Green buying up large quantities of tinned food, fuel and sporting ammunition.
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Chief Superintendent Ceestreamer of Warwickshire Police has so far refused to comment upon the police's reaction to the change of musical programme, however PC McGarry, who was diligently attending to his duty in Leamington's Bread and Co. cake shop throughout the afternoon and evening, stated that 'it was clear that safeguarding public morality had always to be the first priority of any constabulary'.

He also rejected categorically the criticism that senior officers had been too hasty in calling in the army, or that the boys from Pippin Fort, recently returned from a difficult tour of South Armagh, 'had reacted with excessive force'.